LETTERS
by Leaf.On.The.Wind.08
Summary: L.E.T.T.E.R.S. - The five times the team wrote a mental letter to Ward and the one time he answered


**L.E.T.T.E.R.S.**

Fitz

You threw us in the ocean though. I still can't believe it. You threw us in the bloody ocean. Did you know the pod wouldn't float ? Did you know we'd be stuck under water, so far down we couldn't make it without harm ? Jemma says you did it on purpose. That you wanted us dead. Did you? I still can't believe it. I can't believe you wanted to kill us. We were friends. We had laughs together. I almost didn't hate you anymore for that time you threw my sandwich away.

I've been awake for five days now and I keep thinking about it. All I can picture is your back, when you pushed that button. You didn't even turn around to see us fall. You couldn't even look us in the eyes. Why?

All I keep seeing is your back and you remind me of a kid I used to know. I called him the kid who needed a hug. He was that boy in my class when I was around six, he was massive, looked much older than the rest of us. He was kind of a bully. Used to beat up other kids at recess for food or sometimes just for fun. I felt sad for him. And sometimes, I would look at that kid, that violent kid, sitting alone at the back of the classroom, or waiting for his parents after school and they were always late, when they didn't forget him. And I thought all he needed was a hug, but he wasn't taught how to ask for one. He was taught violence, so he used it to try and connect with other people.

And I think it's the same for you. I don't blame you. I know you were hurting. I know all you need is a hug and you don't know how to ask for one.

I don't really know what happened to you, Skye only told me a few things from your file but I guess it's nothing compared to what actually happened, because I'm pretty sure she's trying to protect my feelings. She's so mad at you. I think she wants us to hate you because she's not capable of that herself. You hurt her so much, man. I mean, you hurt all of us; hell I'm still lying in that fucking hospital bed. But her... You hurt her the most. You broke her. She's not the same happy girl anymore. She used to see the good in everyone and everything but she can't anymore. You showed her that there could be evil underneath that good, and now there's not trust left in her.

I wish you had told us, _how I wish you had told us_. It wouldn't have been easy but we could have fixed it. We were a team. We could have done something, kept you away from Garrett, made you better. We could have fixed you, I'm sure Jemma would have found a way. You know she used to like you a lot, even if she didn't show it much. She likes order and you gave her that. You were predictable. She doesn't want to talk about you anymore, at least not with me. She gets mad when I mention your name because she doesn't understand why I still have some kind of faith in you. But I do, Ward.

The other day I was thinking about that mission we did together and I have so many questions. We were a team. We took care of each other. How could it not have mattered to you more than him? I wish he weren't dead so we could talk to him, ask him how, how he was able to manipulate you so easily. Man, you were the strongest person I had ever met. I thought nothing, no one could make you do anything. I thought you would protect us from everything. But that wasn't really your mission, was it? You had another agenda, you played us all pretty well. But I still believe you were sincere, all these times you helped, you protected, you saved. I still believe you found a home in that bus like all of us did. It just wasn't enough to change you.

I hope they will let me see you soon. I really need to understand. I hope they will let me bring you a hot cocoa, the one you like even if you say you don't. I hope they are treating you well. I hope they won't make you worst.

I hope you will make amends, and change, and be the better man. You are so full of potential, Ward. Like Coulson said that time, sometimes it's not a bad seed, it's just a bad influence. Well I hope you'll have the chance to become the good man you can be. I hope they will give you this chance.

I hope you'll get that hug.

May

I picked you. I should have known better. You looked perfect on paper, great specialist, skilled, efficient. The perfect candidate for this team. I never doubted that choice. You were _that_ good.

I wanted to kill you during that fight.

I was counting on you. I was counting on you to help me protect them. Protect Coulson. That was your job.

But you were the one they needed protection from.

Fitz says you were under the influence of Garrett. But you make your own choices. You control your destiny. _You_ chose to side with Garrett. _You_ chose to betray us. It was _you_ who chose to kill Agent Koenig, to kidnap Skye, to shoot Hand.

The thing that's killing me is that I didn't see it. I checked everyone's background before assembling that team. I knew every secret, every dark corner, every possibility of treason. I profiled all of you to make sure that team was safe. And you played me. I didn't see any of this coming.

How did you manage that?

I want to know. I don't care about hidden hydra bases, about Garrett's plans, about Raina's whereabouts. I want to know how you managed to deceive us this whole time. How you became that good of a liar. How to distinguish the lies from the truth.

I hope you're suffering right now. You deserve to hurt a hundred times more than you hurt Fitz, than you hurt Simmons, that you hurt Skye. They believed in you. You can talk about your bad brother but you were a brother to them and you were worse than your own. I hope Coulson will let you rot in your cell for eternity.

From where I stand, you don't deserve more.

Coulson

I don't have time to think about you and yet you keep popping inside my thoughts. « Agent Grant Ward ». The porcupine. The specialist with no social skills. The one I trusted to be Skye's S.O.

How dared you?

I thought Garrett's betrayal had been worse on you than on me. But you were his lapdog all along. Spying on us. Befriending us so you could get intel for hydra. Making us trust you.

I gave you a place on my bus, in my team. We were a family.

I guess every family have their rotten seed, eh? I guess it was too good to be true.

Don't expect anything from us. We will not forgive you.

We will forget you.

Skye erased you. You will cease to exist.

Because you don't deserve to.

You don't hurt us and escape unscathed.

You don't hurt her and live to see sunlight again.

We will use you. Like you used us.

You're pathetic. You're no one without Garrett. No one.

And you won't get a second chance. Not if I have a say in it.

And right now, I kinda do.

Simmons

Fitz got hurt because of you. He was in a coma. We wouldn't know if he would wake up and there you were, breathing without any trouble. You don't deserve to live, « agent Grant Ward ». You swore an oath, you swore allegiance to shield, did that mean nothing to you? Did any if it mean anything to you?

We took care of each other. I can't remember the number of times I patched you up. Fixed your cuts, mended your bruises, your broken bones.

You jumped out of a plane to save me.

Why? Was it all part of your elaborate plan to gain our trust?

You took my hand after that when I got back in the field. You made sure I wasn't afraid of walking up that tree.

Why?

I lost all faith in you way before Fitz did but I wish I hadn't. I wish I still had faith. I wish you hadn't broken my trust in people.

This makes no sense to me. Garrett's motives, I can understand. Survival. Finding a cure. It was egotistic, he definitely had a pretty bad case of god complex, but I can understand.

But you? Why did you follow him so blindly? What did he have on you? What did you get from that relationship?

I guess you were just born evil.

But that would be the easy way out for you. Being evil.

And you don't deserve easy.

I hope there's some good inside of you so that you'll be consumed with remorse.

I hope you spend every day of your life thinking about Fitz's face when you pushed that button.

I hope the guilt will slowly kill you.

Skye

What would I even say to you? Trip said maybe I should talk to you. Get some of the anger out. Yell, punch. Hurt you. But I don't even know what I would said. Because none of the things I want to tell you, I need to tell you, sound ok right now. Because if I saw you I wouldn't yell, I wouldn't punch. I would stay still and show no emotion because if I even opened my mouth in front of you I couldn't keep this masquerade going and I would just collapse.

Because the truth is I fucking miss you, Ward.

And I fucking hate your guts.

And I don't know how to deal with any of this.

And I wish the old Grant Ward were here to tell me how.

I put on a mask, everyday, so they don't know. I train with May, I train so hard because I never want to get hurt like that again, to feel that vulnerable again. But I feel worse than ever. I feel broken. Like a part of me is missing.

I finally had that thing they call a family. People I could count on. People I loved. Now everything is double games, everyone looks like double or triple agents and I don't know who to trust so I don't trust anyone. Shoot first and ask questions later used to seem barbaric to me but now I understand the first so you won't get shot. Harm first so you don't get hurt.

I want to punch you in the face so bad.

I need you to put your arms around me and hold me tight and tell me everything is going to be ok.

Thanks to you, I understand May. I understand being closed up. I remember that time we took care of Hannah and how mad I was at May for the way she treated her. Now I'm acting like she did, focusing on my objectives and not caring who I hurt along the way.

And I hate it.

But it's the only way I can still stand.

Because if I stop for one minute to think about it

I will collapse.

And I will not get back up.

You've filled me with a new kind of anger and that's a sentiment I don't know how to deal with.

Because somewhere

Somewhere deep,

deep down inside

I still love you

And I fucking need you

And Ward I need to understand

I need to get you back

The other you

The one who would protect me

The one who made me feel safe

I need to get him back

So I'm begging you to change

And I'm begging to earn my forgiveness

Because I need to forgive you,

I _need_ to forgive you.

Because I feel terrible.

And because I need you.

I need you to have my back.

I need you.

Bad.

Ward

You wouldn't understand. None of you could understand. What it's like, to get beaten up, everyday. To be humiliated, constantly, to be treated like you're less than garbage. To be forced to harm the only person that still looks at you with some kind of respect in his eyes. To be sent to school without a coat on in fucking winter and have all the other kids pointing at you and whispering.

Garrett gave me a way out. You might know, by now, that he left me in the woods when I was sixteen.

It was the best thing that ever happened to me.

It made me strong. I had to learn not to depend on anyone. I had to stay alive.

He didn't abandon me, he taught me how to survive.

I would have done anything for him. I owe him my life. I owe him everything. I would have followed him to death.

I wish I had.

I wish I were dead.

I don't have a purpose anymore.

I'm useless.

I'm back to being garbage. Less than garbage.

That's the way you're all treating me, anyway.

There's one thing I wish I could change, though.

Skye

The way you look at me.

I don't care about Coulson, about May. I don't care about Fitzsimmons.

Well I kinda care about Fitz.

But I wish you saw me. I wish you saw through the trash-can that you believe me to be.

You woke up something inside of me. A weakness. A feeling I had never felt before.

And I hate it.

But it keeps growing.

And it's filling me.

And I feel like I felt once before

A long time ago

I feel like

I want to protect

I want to protect you

I want you to be safe

And I know you're not

Not as long as Raina is out there

Not as long as Coulson puts you in harm's way

And I wish you would see that in me

And help me understand

Because I don't know what to do

I don't know how to deal with it

I want to break free

And find you

And hold you.

I need you to tell me it will be ok.

I need you to make me better.

I guess you're all back on the bus, playing the happy shield agents you are. But you probably don't sleep at night.

I know I don't.

I can't say I'm sorry. I did what I did for him and I would do it again.

But Fitz was right.

I do care.

But you don't.


End file.
